The Lord of the Rings:
The Fellowship of the Ring
Directed by Peter Jackson

Matt Milton's Review:

This was a long-awaited event for me, and I was not disappointed. The look and feel of Tolkien's world were beautifully captured here, and the casting was perfect. The sight of the balrog filled me with great sorrow, however, as it forced me to remember that, soon, we must all be dragged into the pit by those serpentine tongues of fire, to be tormented for ever and ever by the true rulers of this fallen world. I also thought it was unnecessary to beef up Arwen's role the way they did, especially at the expense of Glorfindel.

Ed Phillips's Review:

This is a geek movie. You can nap through like the first hour or get high or whatever. There are some good parts with some pieces of dead people getting knocked around and a few good fights and this Bormer dude gets like twenty arrows shot in him, but that's mostly at the end. And who was that snooty blond chick? Everybody made such a big deal about her and its like they totally forgot that Liv Tyler was in the movie too and she's way hotter than any Galadril.

Calvin Schultz's Review:

Although I'm no fan of this fantasy nonsense, this movie starts out with a promising war between good and evil, reminiscent of President George W. Bush's heroic struggle against terrorism. Unfortunately, it moves right into glorifying drug use. The Hobbits' "pipe weed" is clearly not tobacco. It then goes on to portray an unemployed "ranger" as some kind of hero, and it becomes harder and harder to believe that any of these people are Christians.

At one point Boromir, a sensible if somewhat scruffy young man, suggests that the wisest course is to use the enemy's weapon against him, instead of trying to destroy it. Well, of course! I was amazed at the sloppy liberal psychobabble that followed. While this is obviously the best choice, the other characters (clearly speaking for the writer) act like it's crazy.

Another outrageous scene was the one with Galadriel. Matt had to explain to me that the man she so rudely interrupts and treats like a lapdog is her husband! This is a terrible thing for young people to see. I can assure you the women in my house don't speak out of turn like that!

Judith Tolbert's Review:

This movie is about an epic clash between the forces of Classical Greek boy-love and a giant talking vagina. I missed most of the underground (Moria) part because for some reason I blacked out just as they were entering. I vaguely recall something coming out of the water, then a feeling of absolute terror, and then nothing until they were coming out the other side of the mines.

The conflict centers around the evil Master Ring (note: an open, feminine symbol) of the Dark Lord, Sauron, who appears as what can only be described as symbolic female genitalia. Although spoken of as male, Sauron clearly functions as the mother/devourer archetype, like the goddess Kali. Upon donning any of Sauron's magic rings, penetrating the open circle with the finger, one immediately falls under the evil one's influence. Need I say more?

The Fellowship, on the other hand, opposing the matriachal Sauron, consists of a group of smooth-faced "little people" shepherded by rough, manly warriors. Clearly, the way to defeat female power in this movie is by choosing boys instead of women as companions. Look how pretty Elijah Wood is as Frodo. How could Aragorn not be [editor's note: Ms. Tolbert's graphic description and accompanying diagrams of what she thinks Aragorn is doing to Frodo have been removed. If you don't already know what she was going to say, you're better off not ever knowing.]

Grotuu the Unspeakable's Review:

Grotuu watched this film with great interest, as the story seemed to elicit powerful responses from the lowly creatures Grotuu plans to rule. It must be said that Grotuu is genuinely puzzled. The heroes you humans revere seem to spend most of their time running away. Is this considered admirable in your culture? Perhaps more information on this topic can be extracted from Judith.

Grotuu was, however, quite impressed by the performance of the magnificent female who portrayed the watcher at the gates of Moria. Why was her role uncredited? Grotuu must meet her. She clearly dominated the film. Grotuu noticed that your mammalian "heroes" fled with great celerity from her muscular, glistening tentacles.