War on Tara
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Not normally an avid follower of international news, fourteen year-old Tara Lopesqui of Red Bluff, Alabama was shocked this week when she turned on the television and noticed for the first time that the United States and several of its allies had declared war upon her. "I thought, 'What the hell? Can they do that?' I mean, I'm a United States citizen!" says Tara of her newfound status as an enemy nation. "I just turned on the TV and there's Bush talking about this war on Tara like it's all cool and everybody's behind it. How did I get so unpopular?" Tara's parents also expressed puzzlement at the controversial policy. "She's always been a good girl," says father Tim Lopesqui. "I can't think of even one time I ever had to get after her about any weapons of mass destruction." Others disagree, however. "I fully support the war on Tara," says classmate Susan Datlow. Tara's algebra teacher, Phuong Pe Miller, adds, "She is a mean girl." Tara is not about to take this lying down, however. She's fighting back. "My boyfriend says he knows where I can get some plutonium, and if the Koreans can figure out how to build a nuclear bomb, anybody can. I mean, my math teacher's Korean and he's can't even talk right." She plans to attack England first, then move on to larger targets, although she is not currently aware of England's exact location. "I've got a lot of research to do," Tara says. "War is hard work."
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